Every so often we come to a point in our lives where we wonder where we are going. If the work a person does is worthwhile, if the way life is going is what they wanted. I think I am at that place now. I've never been the most self-confident type, never too sure of myself, never brave enough to stand at the front of a crowd. That's me. I want to reach for the stars but I'm afraid I won't reach them and will be disappointed when I can't and so I don't bother reaching. How many of us don't bother trying to go a little farther and try a little more because we think we won't succeed?
I finished my BSN in August, a real big deal for me. I thought I would do it but I was haunted by the idea of what would happen if I didn't. Would I continue and try again? Would I be so embarassed at the idea of failure that I would hide and quit? Those fears made me try harder, made me obsessed with studying, made me neglect my friends because I was afraid to spend any time away from the computer. I made it though, passed OK.
Now I have to decide if I want to go on. My friends say to go back to school to get my master's degree. Yet those old fears are taunting me again. What if I don't pass? How much time will I spend studying? Will I neglect my friends and family again? What if I do pass? Will I find a job with an advanced degree? The most important question is Do I want to? That seems to be the hardest one to answer. Do I want to take on more school work, more debt, and take away time from my husband? Difficult questions with even more difficult answers.
Right now I just want to play. I want to create. I want to write. I want to travel and have fun. If I do go back and get my MSN, will I be happy with the role I take on later? I love what I do. Will I get the same satisfaction from a different job? Lots of questions.
In the meantime I think I will play while I can. I have baking to do and ornaments to make. Maybe I will sew some of the ideas I had while I was in school but couldn't do. I have a thousand sewing patterns to post and lots of fabulous vintage items to sell. Maybe the need to play is as important as the need to succeed. Maybe spending time with my husband and family is as important as spending time on my career. Maybe more important.
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